i don't know how to feel
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:46 am
I'm a senior in high school, and I'm scared to grow up. It's now midway through October, so I've got to start working on my college applications, which just depresses me. When I was younger, I always wanted to move far away for college. I wanted to start my life fresh, make new friends, experience new things, and live life to its fullest. I live in central New Jersey, and as of now, every single college I'm applying to is within an hour an a half of my house.
The main thing keeping me here is my girlfriend. We've been dating since my freshman year, and I love her a lot. She's two years my senior, so she has her own place and goes to school around here. She wants me to move in with her after I graduate this year, and that's probably what I'm going to do. All her friends are in their mid to late twenties, like adults. It's weird hanging out with them, and I'm not like them at all. I don't value the same things they do, cause I'm a kid. She needs me to be an adult about everything, and I'm just not. I've grown up in a sheltered, suburban lifestyle, and do not feel like I'm an adult, or am going to become one anytime soon. When we first met, she was a lot more like me. She was totally into music, the reason we bonded was because we both loved Taking Back Sunday. The only thing I talk or think about is music. As soon as I get home from doing whatever, the first thing I do is listen to whatever new music I got. Or if I'm not listening to music, I'm playing music with my band, playing local shows, recording shit, etc. She's been grown out of that for about a year and a half. She's grown up, and matured so much. I know she expects me to do the same, and I don't blame her, its what she deserves. I want to move in with her once I graduate.
Why this upsets me, is because I think it's holding me back. She's extremely outspoked about her expectations of me, and how I should be running my life once I graduate. Quit my band, commute to college, get a 4 year degree, become a teacher, start a family. While it may sound extremely cliche, the band I'm in means so much to me. Ever since I got into Sum 41 in 7th grade, I decided that would be what I would do in my life. I've been in several bands over the years, But 8 months ago, my current band started and it's something that's exciting and means a lot to me. We recorded our debut EP over the summer, and have a bunch of local fans, and have attracted some local record labels. If I could tour with my band, I'd drop college in a heartbeat. And not to sound concieted, but I feel like my current band has pretty good potential. We're going on our first tour this summer, and I'm stoked. But on the downside, I feel with the oversaturation of music nowadays, that we will not get far. And that just crushes me. I don't want to settle for a medoicre life, and I feel like I'm starting that process by applying to colleges.
Not that I won't be happy later in life, but I feel that since music is literally been my only activity and that it means so much to me that I'm just so accustomed to thinking "oh this sick little subculture of kids like me will be around forever" that the thought of me putting it to the side is just heartbreaking. It's the only thing in society and life that I've cared about and loved for the past five years. And its tough to move on. As ridiculous as it sounds.
Only a few careers interest me. I don't want to go into anything medical, because I know I couldn't make it through med school, and I don't think I'd like dealing with death and sickness. Business doesn't interest me, I'm afraid of failure and financial instability. I also wouldn't have any confidence that my business would have any sucess or be able to stay afloat. Science doesn't interest me, math doesn't interest me. History interests me, I'm so interested in history. I buy a ton of history books from Barnes and Nobles, and read them for fun. This makes me want to be a history teacher. I think it'd be the only thing I'd be comfortable doing.
I'm extremely envious of my single friends going to college, who aren't kept home by dead end dreams and relationships. I have no intention of breaking up with my girlfriend, I love her so much, and I really do think we could end up getting married one day. But I can't help feeling jealous of the kids I know who get to experience living on their own, doing whatever they want with no regrets. I feel like since I have an adult girlfriend, I have no room for experimentation careerwise, because if we stayed together after college, she'd expect financial stability, and I would want to be able to provide. I'm not taking any risks. I feel like I'm going to end up missing out on an entire chapter of what should be my life, the college experience. It seems as far as my girlfriend is concerned, my life skips from graduating high school at 18, to becoming a teacher at 23. There's no room for trying to new things. I'm going to miss out on living in a dorm with random people I've never met, making a new set of friends, seeing new people in college, going to parties, living for myself. I'm skipping those 4, what seem like defining, years of my life. And i feel so fucking conflicted. On one hand, I want to stay with my girlfriend and possibly start a family in the future, get married, etc, and I'm not interested on becoming like an MD or a laywer or anything. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out on a crucial experience in my life. The stage between being a kid, and becoming an adult. I feel like I'm expected to just make the transition seemlessly.
To those of you in college, or who have graduated college, how have your experiences been? and to those of you who may have gone through the same thing I'm going through, did you regret not taking risks and feel like you'd be missing out? I don't know what to feel about any of this, i dont even know why I wrote this. I want so many different things that conflict with each other. and i know I'm just going to settle.
The main thing keeping me here is my girlfriend. We've been dating since my freshman year, and I love her a lot. She's two years my senior, so she has her own place and goes to school around here. She wants me to move in with her after I graduate this year, and that's probably what I'm going to do. All her friends are in their mid to late twenties, like adults. It's weird hanging out with them, and I'm not like them at all. I don't value the same things they do, cause I'm a kid. She needs me to be an adult about everything, and I'm just not. I've grown up in a sheltered, suburban lifestyle, and do not feel like I'm an adult, or am going to become one anytime soon. When we first met, she was a lot more like me. She was totally into music, the reason we bonded was because we both loved Taking Back Sunday. The only thing I talk or think about is music. As soon as I get home from doing whatever, the first thing I do is listen to whatever new music I got. Or if I'm not listening to music, I'm playing music with my band, playing local shows, recording shit, etc. She's been grown out of that for about a year and a half. She's grown up, and matured so much. I know she expects me to do the same, and I don't blame her, its what she deserves. I want to move in with her once I graduate.
Why this upsets me, is because I think it's holding me back. She's extremely outspoked about her expectations of me, and how I should be running my life once I graduate. Quit my band, commute to college, get a 4 year degree, become a teacher, start a family. While it may sound extremely cliche, the band I'm in means so much to me. Ever since I got into Sum 41 in 7th grade, I decided that would be what I would do in my life. I've been in several bands over the years, But 8 months ago, my current band started and it's something that's exciting and means a lot to me. We recorded our debut EP over the summer, and have a bunch of local fans, and have attracted some local record labels. If I could tour with my band, I'd drop college in a heartbeat. And not to sound concieted, but I feel like my current band has pretty good potential. We're going on our first tour this summer, and I'm stoked. But on the downside, I feel with the oversaturation of music nowadays, that we will not get far. And that just crushes me. I don't want to settle for a medoicre life, and I feel like I'm starting that process by applying to colleges.
Not that I won't be happy later in life, but I feel that since music is literally been my only activity and that it means so much to me that I'm just so accustomed to thinking "oh this sick little subculture of kids like me will be around forever" that the thought of me putting it to the side is just heartbreaking. It's the only thing in society and life that I've cared about and loved for the past five years. And its tough to move on. As ridiculous as it sounds.
Only a few careers interest me. I don't want to go into anything medical, because I know I couldn't make it through med school, and I don't think I'd like dealing with death and sickness. Business doesn't interest me, I'm afraid of failure and financial instability. I also wouldn't have any confidence that my business would have any sucess or be able to stay afloat. Science doesn't interest me, math doesn't interest me. History interests me, I'm so interested in history. I buy a ton of history books from Barnes and Nobles, and read them for fun. This makes me want to be a history teacher. I think it'd be the only thing I'd be comfortable doing.
I'm extremely envious of my single friends going to college, who aren't kept home by dead end dreams and relationships. I have no intention of breaking up with my girlfriend, I love her so much, and I really do think we could end up getting married one day. But I can't help feeling jealous of the kids I know who get to experience living on their own, doing whatever they want with no regrets. I feel like since I have an adult girlfriend, I have no room for experimentation careerwise, because if we stayed together after college, she'd expect financial stability, and I would want to be able to provide. I'm not taking any risks. I feel like I'm going to end up missing out on an entire chapter of what should be my life, the college experience. It seems as far as my girlfriend is concerned, my life skips from graduating high school at 18, to becoming a teacher at 23. There's no room for trying to new things. I'm going to miss out on living in a dorm with random people I've never met, making a new set of friends, seeing new people in college, going to parties, living for myself. I'm skipping those 4, what seem like defining, years of my life. And i feel so fucking conflicted. On one hand, I want to stay with my girlfriend and possibly start a family in the future, get married, etc, and I'm not interested on becoming like an MD or a laywer or anything. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out on a crucial experience in my life. The stage between being a kid, and becoming an adult. I feel like I'm expected to just make the transition seemlessly.
To those of you in college, or who have graduated college, how have your experiences been? and to those of you who may have gone through the same thing I'm going through, did you regret not taking risks and feel like you'd be missing out? I don't know what to feel about any of this, i dont even know why I wrote this. I want so many different things that conflict with each other. and i know I'm just going to settle.