Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Machinery & Sincerity (Super Soldier)

[silverdolphin]

This is a song I wrote a long time ago ...
Here goes:

Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Machinery & Sincerity (Super Soldier)

I'm the disappointment
cause of disagreement
you can't trust me
I'm not trust worthy

Super soldier
from toe to shoulder
so faceless
so mindless
so heartless

they tried to
force control,I told you
my truth shall never unfold
I told you

I'm the disappointment
cause of disagreement
you can't trust me
I'm not trust worthy

Hypocrisy , surrounds me
stupidity , controls me
machinery's, the core of me
sincerity's , what lacks me

Super soldier
from toe to shoulder
so faceless
so mindless
so heartless

......
It's a short song 'cause long songs bore me..

suggestions??

[Jake-41]

best fuckin title evah!!
as for the song, it's pretty good. i just dont like, see a main chorus. But it could be good!
keep writing!!.. :]

[silverdolphin]

@ Dizzy J : Thanks!
& which main chorus do you mean?

[Jake-41]

@ Dizzy J : Thanks!
& which main chorus do you mean?

um, so it's all just one chorus??
u have some great lines but, ya just need a longer verses.
it'd spund a bit errr... quick??.. put it togeher a bit.
but,
i dunno how you would sing this or the rythem u'd use sooo, it might work for you!
but, dont let any of us crush ur passion, do watever u feel like!

[sprinks41]

really good! i like how you used the rhythm of CAFIMT's chorus for part of it, that was really clever!

[Jake-41]

Hypocrisy , surrounds me
stupidity , controls me
machinery's, the core of me
sincerity's , what lacks me

Super soldier
from toe to shoulder
so faceless
so mindless
so heartless............... simply great!... amazing mite i say!

[silverdolphin]

@ sprinks41: thanks!
@ Dizzy J : thanks again! & I know the song will sound short >> that's how I want it to be ..
'cause maybe if I make it longer it might ruin it ..

[Jake-41]

i kno. After i looked at it, i noticed it all seems to fit nicely!
now,
i believe u have tab to be writing, i want demos by five!!
ya kno, as ur agent

[silverdolphin]

now,
i believe u have tab to be writing

I know .. I just started thinking about the chord progression ( guitar ) yesterday .. I want the song to be with bar chords.. it will suit it more ... I haven't thought of the guitar solo, but it will sound awful ofcourse .. 'cause I'm just a beginner ..

i want demos by five!!
ya kno, as ur agent

I'll make a demo when I'm able to play bar chords .. ( which will be after a very long time 'cause I have skinny weak fingers .. )